The Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban

Author:Melissa Urban [Urban, Melissa]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2022-10-11T00:00:00+00:00

Finances and spending

How you handle conflict

Socialization preferences

Privacy and personal space

Physical intimacy

Trust and fidelity

Can you set a boundary that says, “I do not have the emotional or energetic capacity to do the dishes again this week?” You sure can. But what are you going to do if the dishes still don’t get done, and you find yourself ready to eat a meal without a clean plate, fork, or knife in the house? (If you said, “Be petty and buy myself a secret stash of paper plates,” I’d silently love that, but out loud I’d point out that is not a long-term solution.) And a boundary like, “My limit is not to go more than five days without sexual intimacy” isn’t often viable, because holding that depends on someone else—and their boundary may conflict with yours. (Like, “I won’t consent to sexual intimacy under pressure.”)

In exchanges with my community, I’ve heard just about every relationship issue there is, and having been married, divorced, and remarried, I’ve experienced a lot of them myself. I wish there were simple boundary scripts that could adequately address the really hard stuff, but these situations can’t be solved by one party setting a limit—they require clear communication from everyone involved, and the establishment of shared expectations, perhaps facilitated by a therapist.

There are a few ways I’ll tackle these issues in this chapter. First, if there is a clear, kind boundary that can be set, I’ll outline that in the scripts. Second, if the issue can’t be solved by setting one healthy limit, I’ll share my best strategies for initiating the right kind of conversations or offer tips that will help you move closer to the goal. Finally, for more weighty subjects (specifically, fair division of household labor, establishing “rules of engagement” around conflict, and sexual intimacy), I’ll point you to entire books that have been written on those topics, so you can do a deeper dive with your partner to improve the specific aspect of your relationship that’s causing you stress or draining your energy.

I’ve broken these conversations, resources, and boundary scripts into the issues that most frequently arise in five different categories: household management; interpersonal conflict; styles of socializing; privacy and trust; and sex and physical connection.

HOUSEHOLD MANAGEMENT: These are boundaries around how you and your spouse navigate the division of labor, childcare, finances, and other aspects of your home. Running a household is as complex and challenging as running a business, and we all want to be recognized and appreciated for the very real (and often invisible) labor involved. As discussed, holding a healthy limit around your labor may not be easy, as respecting that boundary often requires your partner’s cooperation. Still, there are limits you can set within each area of household responsibility that will encourage your partner to acknowledge the labor you’re regularly performing and invite them to co-create strategies that work for both of you.

INTERPERSONAL CONFLICT: These are healthy boundaries you set when you and your partner disagree, argue, or engage in challenging conversations.

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